Indifferent. Melodramatic. Bittersweet. Cynical. Ambiguous. Sarcastic. Introverted. Neurotic. Indecisive. Selfish. Fickle. Sensitive. Hypocrite. Dreamer.
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I was surprised by a knock on my door. I had Adam and the Ants playing on my laptop in the bathroom. I opened the door, and he smiled at me. I grabbed his face with my hands and kissed him softly. But I couldn’t pull away. We kept kissing, while he walked inside, his hands on my hips. I closed the front door and he put his hand down my pants. He started to undo his belt, and we moved into the bathroom.
I pulled his pants and boxers down while we still kissed. I put his cock in my mouth while I undressed myself. He bent me over the bathroom counter and fucked me from behind. We looked at each other in the mirror. I looked back at him while I whimpered. He was so hard, and I could feel it.
I got up on the counter and he fucked me while we stared at each other in the eye. We never lose eye contact. We moved into the bedroom.
I made him sweat. He made me come. We told each other “I love you” over and over again. “I just want to be inside of you all the time” he said.
You always are, my love.
I’m pretty sure I have had a manic episode every single day this week so far.
People are just shit, you know? They’re all just fucking shit.
I’M SICK OF FUCKING CRYING ALL THE FUCKING TIME
I have spent the past two days seeking out help in depression chat rooms.
Today, I spent the entire day crying. I took Klonopin to calm me down. I took a blade to my thigh and soaked paper towels in blood.
I put razors and a bottle of aspirin in front of me. I don’t know if I needed the strength to kill myself, or the strength to stay alive.
I have debated going back to the hospital again. But I don’t even know if that would make a difference. I’m sure, by this time, they’re sick of seeing me so frequently.
My boyfriend broke up with me, and told me awful hurtful things to try to hurt me and push him away. I don’t know how much was truth, and how much was lies.
I tried desperately to reach out to my friends. Someone to come over and keep me company, before I do more damage to myself. But no one did. I have no one.
Forgive me for such a depressing post.
It’s hard to have hope, when everything is hopeless.
There is one person who has been in my dreams recently. For some reason, I wish I could reach out to them. They used to read my blog from time to time. If you’re reading this, I miss you. More than you think. More than I would care to admit.
Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that we are not a hot tumblr girl.
There is a building downtown that his band uses to practice. It also serves as a dance studio, a place for music lessons, as well as other creative purposes.
It was 1 in the morning, and he just finished playing a show. Him and the rest of the band were unloading their equipment into their practice space. We walked through corridors and rooms to get to their space. We walked through a mirrored dance studio, and I noticed a piano in the corner. I played while they unloaded, and it echoed through the entire building. After a while, he came and sat beside me. I sang him a song, at first it was loud and strong. Elliott Smith’s “Between the Bars”. His head was on my shoulder (he was a little drunk). I kissed his head, and began to sing quietly, as if it were only for his ears. When I was finished, he kissed me, and told me he loved me.
Drink up, baby.
Trying to be healthy has been my main focus lately. But it hasn’t been easy.
I am trying to quit smoking (With the occasional one every few days) and it’s making me more irritable, and my lungs hurt.
I am trying to not wear as much makeup so my skin clears up, which is making me even MORE insecure about my appearance so I don’t even want to leave the house.
I am trying to eat better. No soda, less meat (the past few burgers I have eaten have been veggie burgers), more fruits and veggies, and lots of water water water water.
I am trying to exercise more by hiking with the boyfriend and going on walks and stretching and doing lazy yoga.
I think my body is beginning to resent me.
He took me to our usual bar last night. He parked, and hugged me when we got out of the car. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him. He walked two blocks to the bar with me wrapped around him as we kissed each other.
We got our drinks and sat across from each other in these big green chairs. I stared at him, and he said “What??”. “Sorry” I said, “I’m just admiring you”. He said “Don’t apologize. I’ve been admiring you as well. I’ve been admiring you ever since I first laid eyes on you. I’m infatuated with you. I am completely enamored”. I started to tear up.
We went home and cuddled and he told me he loved me over and over again until he fell asleep.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
I have been extremely depressed today.
All my life, I have gotten the shit end of the stick. My brother has always been favored. I have always been the disappointment. He’s 19 years old, no driver’s license, no job, not going to school,still lives with my father. Gets anything he asks for. My cousin just GAVE him a laptop. No reason. He has every gaming console. He lives on my father’s wealth. He doesn’t have anxiety or depression. He doesn’t care about anything but video games.
I love my brother more than anything. But I hate how he’s always had it better than me.
I asked him if I could borrow his laptop so I could fill out job applications, and actually use it for things other than anime and YouTube. Even after he told me he didn’t really use it for anything, he wouldn’t let me. I don’t have a computer. My phone is my computer. I don’t have the privileges he does. Things don’t get handed to me. I don’t even have insurance. I tried to make an appointment for something serious, and even after the low income program, I’d still have to pay $90. The receptionist asked me if that was doable. I started crying and hung up.
I have been working on my resume, looking for jobs, asking friends for help. I’m trying to get back on food stamps. I filled out an application, and just got a letter in the mail today, saying if I don’t contact them by tomorrow, they will deny my application. Again. I JUST GOT THE LETTER TODAY. So I’ll be on hold all day tomorrow.
As my boyfriend begins working more hours, I am quickly realizing how lonely I really am. How much free time I have. And how I spend most of it staring at a wall, or a mirror, picking myself apart until there is nothing else to hate.
Loving yourself is hard when you hate yourself this much.
I am so frustrated and stressed out and I feel so hopeless and stuck and I just wish things were easier sometimes because I’m so tired of being afraid and so behind everyone else my age. I’m 23 years old, but I might as well be 14.
I remember the exact moment when I realized I was in love with you. We sat across from each other in a bar in NE Portland. We sipped on boozy Kool-Aid in Mason jars, and I was feeling a little buzzed. Our knees would occasionally brush against one another’s, and it made my bones shake.
“Fake Empire” was playing through the speakers. “Tiptoe through our shiny city with our diamond slippers on”. I remember staring at your candle-lit face, thinking to myself “I want to see this face every single day for the rest of my life”. I knew I loved you. I knew you loved me. I knew that my life was about to change.
When we make love, we almost never lose eye contact. “Kiss me” you’ll say, and I hold your face in my hands and tell you that I love you. We tell each other over and over again, as our breathing gets heavier. I never want it to end. I want you to stay inside of me forever.
You come home from work, and your hair smells like fresh coffee grounds and freshly baked bread. I kiss your forehead, and feel blessed to be a part of your life.
My favorite part of the day is every moment I get to spend with you.
What a strange feeling, knowing that your friend is on stage in front of two hundred people performing a poem that no one else in the room will understand the way you do. No one knew suicide the way we did.
And afterwards, I hug him, and he says “I know.”
Unlike him, I haven’t learned to laugh at my suicide attempts quite yet.
It seemed to be the theme for the evening. How fitting.
I don’t understand why suicide is so frowned upon. If a person is truly miserable, let them end their suffering. They will give you all of their video game systems and thrifted vinyls and have a pre-funeral party. Get really drunk and talk about all the stupid shit they did in high school, and the stupid shit they never grew out of. They will say their goodbyes, and go home to finally be free. To put on their best outfit, comb their hair neatly, and make sure the apartment is clean, and arrangements have been made. They will find out what a bullet tastes like when it explodes. Or swallow a bottle of sleeping pills to have endless dreams forever. They will leap off the tallest building in the city, and fly away from all the shit. They will finally be happy, because they won’t BE anymore.
So why should we keep them from that? It doesn’t seem fair. You aren’t them. You don’t know what being that person feels like. Sure, you could empathize. But you will never experience that person’s existence. So don’t judge them for their choices.
“Get creative”, he says.
How will I do it?
It’s a surprise.
It’s so nice being in GOOD relationship.
I hate myself for wasting 9 months with a piece of shit. But I know that if I hadn’t dated Doug, I wouldn’t have met Alex.
So thank you, Doug, for introducing me to the best thing that ever happened to me.
Alex treats me like a princess and always cooks breakfast in the morning, and likes it when I don’t wear makeup. I can give him an erection just by looking at him. When we have sex, I feel like exploding, and he can never believe how good I can make him feel. I get dizzy when we kiss, and he is always telling me how beautiful I am. He has showed me so many amazing things, and he’s taken me to so many amazing places. His friends love me, his family loves me, his dog loves me, and most importantly, HE loves me. I never felt like Doug really loved me at all. Alex makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. And it makes me so happy, knowing my family loves him. My brother texted me after he met him for the first time, and said “I really like Alex a lot. Way better than stupid Doug”.
I did what was best for me, and I am so happy and almost blissful. I don’t regret losing a few toxic people because of my decisions.
He makes me feel the way I have always wanted to feel. Happy. Healthy. Loved. Valued. Respected. Sexy. Worth something.
Doug has tried to be hurtful and has tried to get sympathy from people, and I only find it comical. You made this bed. Now fucking lie in it. You chose to do drugs. You chose to lie to me. You chose to sleep all day. You chose to watch porn instead of touch me. You did this to yourself. I feel sorry for you. You will always be a liar and a cocky piece of shit who takes advantage of everyone around you for your own selfish purposes. I feel really sorry for the next girl you date. She won’t see it coming at all.
Please stop taking control of my life. Please just leave me alone.
You make everything so hard, and I am just trying to live my life and be happy.
Make the shit stop.
I woke up to the sound of a boy whispering into my ear
“You mean the absolute world to me”
Sometimes you have to be selfish and do what’s best for you, even if that means letting other people down.
I have never really done that before. I worry so much about other people, I lose sight of myself, and I never spend time worrying about myself.
Life can be cruel, and life can be wonderful.
It all depends on how you look at it, and how you let it affect you. If you’re unhappy, take a look at what makes you feel that way, and change it.
I am learning that making those changes isn’t as hard as I always thought they were. It’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay to take control. It’s okay to let yourself cry sometimes, but don’t let it take you over completely.
I am working on my mental state, and my physical health. Eating more vegetables, waking up earlier, going on hikes. Looking in the mirror and smiling, loving myself, feeling confident and learning to take control, instead of letting things take control of me.
I hiked two and a half miles today. I didn’t think I could. It wasn’t until I was finished, that I learned how far I had actually gone. I got tired. I got muddy. I wanted to give up and walk back to the car. But I did it. Baby steps turned into big leaps. I really can do things, even if I don’t always believe in myself. But I’ll never learn until I try it.
I am really loving this new me. Everyone has told me my whole life that they wished I’d smile more. Now, they keep telling me “Not so bad now, is it?”.
I am excited for every tomorrow.
I have either stumbled upon something so fantastically amazing,
or fucked up really really bad.
Either way, I’m not going to stop.
This happiness has been so desperately lacking in my life.